Bash - Ali
Flash - Idris
Charlie - Zibanoor
Sebastian - Joe
J(Snitch) - *1 More person needed*
Scene One clothing - The thug will be wearing white shirts untucked and caps and a wooly hat.
The area will look rundown and quiet.
Scene 1 - INT.CLASSROOM(DRAMA).NIGHT
Camera moving from the cafe into the drama class.. (Low angle)
When camera gets into the class it does a (Arc shot) around the person tied up..
Does a (Medium shot) on the Ali as he asks questions to the person tied up *Sebastian*
Bash
Where you keep the money at? *Stretches neck*
Sebastian
(Coughing)
(Coughing)
What money?
Sebastian spits on the ground.
Flash
Don't play stupid with us boy, You wan' get slapped up?
Flash clicks his finger.
Bash
This idiot!
Bash punches Sebastian on the body.
Now, how do we talk to your brother.J(Snitch)
Relax.
Flash
J, When did you get soft you waste
(Smiles)
(Smiles)
J(Snitch)
Forget this all how we gonna split this?
Snitch walks around the room scratching his head.
Flash
Split it with you?
(Flash Laughs)
Your getting 10 percent of whatever we get son.Bash
Its our risk.
J(Snitch)
I could get years!
Hands behind back walking to the door.
J(Snitch)
I could get years!
Flash
Its not our fault you came into this lifestyle..
Fades out...
Fades out...
Scene 2 - INT.TOILET.DAY
(Tracking shot) follows Charlie into the toilet,
Snitch enters the toilet.
Snitch enters the toilet.
While in the toilet (High shot) Snitch says everything to Charlie.. for a price.
J(Snitch)
I got something you would want..
J washes his hand.
Charlie
And whats that?
(Serious face)
Charlie washes his hands.Snitch
Info.
(Smiles)
(Smiles)
Charlie
Info on what..
J(Snitch)
I think you know what I'm talking bout'
Charlie
Explodes and says -
Tell me everything.Looks at Snitch's face and grabs him to the wall.
J(Snitch)
Don't hit me!
Charlie
I'll kill you if you don't say nothing.
Lets go of J.
Snitch
I just want something.
Charlie
What you want? I want information leading to were they are, real info leading to my brother.
Snitch
Course..(Pause for few seconds) 20.000 Pounds
Charlie
20Grand?!
(Shocked face)
We come here for a holiday and this happens!
(Shocked face)
We come here for a holiday and this happens!
Snitch
Your not gonna get him back if your like this.
Charlie
20Grand for you little thugs from the gutter?
J(Snitch)
I'm not with them no-more, My names J by the way
Charlie
Your a pathetic snitch J, Follow me.
Scene 3 - INT.CORRIDOR.DAY
(Tracking shot) Puts the bag in the locker and waits for the snitch to pick it up.
Charlie
Here you go, now speak up.
J(Snitch)
Alright, their names is Flash and Bash, your brothers inside the wooly flats tied up and beaten up, go ask fast as you can.
(Straight face)
(Straight face)
Charlie
There's at least 200 houses there, which number is it?
J(Snitch)
Charlie stretches his arms.
J(Snitch)
They usually hang around the park by the flats, their both shorter than you and are violent so expect them to get angry quickly.
Scene 4 - INT.OFFICE.NIGHT
Charlie sitting down on a chair.
Charlie
Gotta do this quickly no time to waste
Writes on a paper several times and scrunches it.
Charlie
I'll just improvise then.
Leaves the house.
Scene 5 - EXT.OUTSIDE-FLAT.DAY
Charlie is hiding behind a fence and waits for them to come out.
*Charlie spots 2 people (Wearing a hat and another person wearing a wooly hat) coming out of the flat and follows them*
*Charlie spots 2 people (Wearing a hat and another person wearing a wooly hat) coming out of the flat and follows them*
Charlie(Loud voice)
Stop!
Flash
Shit, run fam!
(Tracking shot) *A pursuit, the 2 people run away and charlie chases them*
Bash
Follow me now!
Scene 6 - EXT.DEAD-END.DAY
Thugs wearing the same things as the scene before and Charlie is too.
Thugs wearing the same things as the scene before and Charlie is too.
Bash
(Shocked face)
Who's this!
Who's this!
Flash
The kids brother..
Charlie
Charlie
That's right.
Bash
How do you know him?
Flash
Hes a legend on the streets..
Bash
How do you know him?
Flash
Hes a legend on the streets..
Charlie
I'm the brother of *Ahem*
The boy you abducted. You know what you got yourself into?
The boy you abducted. You know what you got yourself into?
Charlie takes his gloves off.=
Charlie
(Angry face)
(Angry face)
Now wheres my brother.
(Low angle)
Flash+Bash
We don't know!
Charlie punches Bash.
Bash
Wooly flats! number 64
(High angle)
*Charlie punches Flash*
*Flash groans*
Scene 7 - INT.RUNDOWN-ROOM.DARK
*Sebastian opens the door and enters* *Walks up to Charlie*
Sebastian
Charlie! *Coughs*
Charlie
You okay Lil bro? *Serious face*
Sebastian
I need a doctor now *Sad face*
Charlie
Lets go, i'l take you to a hospital
*Charlie unties Sebastian*
Sebastian
What about them boys?
*Coughs*
*Coughs*
(Blood on face)
Charlie
I'll sort them out.
(Smiles)
(Smiles)
Sebastian
I wanna go home.
Charlie
Were going soon
*Fades out*
The End
Generally some really good dialogue and a very strong plot structure here Ali, you have done really well!
ReplyDeleteHere is a scene-by-scene breakdown of corrections you need to make.
Scene 1 - INT.CLASSROOM(DRAMA).NIGHT
Good use of camera angles. You need to describe both the location and the appearance of the characters at the start of your scene.
You have worked very hard here Ali, well done! The dialogue is good and your stage directions are clear.
Scene 2 - INT.TOILET.DAY
You don't need to add stage directions about what characters are going to say, this comes across in the dialogue. Instead, you need to add whether the snitch was already there or whether he enters the toilet during the scene.
Scene 3 - INT.CORRIDOR.DAY
Good, clear scene. Describe how Charlie physically pays J. Does he hand him a bundle of notes or is it a cheque for instance?
Scene 4 - INT.OFFICE.NIGHT
Cut the first sentence, we cannot see this.
Scene 5 - EXT.OUTSIDE-FLAT.DAY
Describe where Charlie is at the start of the scene. Describe the appearance of the two people.
The dialogue needs to come before your direction that Flash and Bash start running.
Scene 6 - EXT.DEAD-END.DAY
This scne needs to start with a description of what we can see happening and where.
Scene 7 – INT.RUNDOWN-ROOM.DARK
Describe the room. Describe what the characters are doing; this scene is a little confusing, I do not know what is happening.
Instead of the word Writing, use the word Caption to describe words on the screen.